from https://www.reddit.com/r/GenderCritical/comments/50a8gy/im_an_ftm_i_think_i_regret_transitioning/
As a child I was always a tomboy. My family all suspected I'd be a lesbian, and they were mostly okay with that. I was sexually abused from infancy until the age of 14 by my father. At 16, I was raped by a male I was seeking validation from. My mother was distant, disapproving of my sexuality, hoping I'd grow out of it and come back to Jesus, but my attraction to females was just something that had always been a part of me, as much as the color of my eyes.
I became obsessed with transmen around the time puberty hit and obsessively watched “progress” videos. I convinced myself I'd be happy if I could transition. I had always hated my body (I cut it, starved it, poisoned it) and I related to everything FTMs said about how they related to the world.
As soon as I turned 18 I got on hormones, removed my breasts, and legally changed my name and gender. I have been on testosterone for several years now. I have utterly destroyed the precious female body I was born with to create some twisted facsimile of a male body. I feel like a eunuch. All my new friends and acquaintances know me as a male and I miss female spaces. I miss feeling like I belonged to a universal sisterhood. I miss dating lesbians. I even miss the way my body used to smell. My body is covered in hair and my skin has grown coarse. I went from being a reasonably attractive female to looking like a very ugly short male. I can no longer sing– my voice seems to be trapped in a single pitch. I have gained abdominal fat and my hair has thinned. In spite of all this, I don't seem to be read male only 80% of the time. People stare in public. I feel that I am deceiving my friends because I can't introduce them to my parents who might accidentally misgender me and give away the whole charade. In short, I look and feel like a monster.
edit: spelling I am completely isolated. All that remain of my friends are those in the transgender community. I feel like a freak. I only leave my house to go to school (though I've managed to take mostly online classes) and doctor's appointments.
What would you, older and wiser people, do in my position? I feel so alone and so disgusting.