(03-Feb-2022, 06:11 PM)sunny Wrote: Does anyone have experience with getting the school to agree to not use the “preferred” name and use birth name? We have a 12 year older daughter that just announced last month she is nonbinary after showing NO sign during childhood. She has been in middle school for 5 months and a part of GSA. She has already changed her name at school and we want to undo this for now.
Our position is that we are not rushing to make big changes like name until she has lived in this space for some time. Her friends may call her whatever they like, but in any formal setting she will use her birth name.
How should we approach the school with this? How do we make sure this is being unforced?
Thank you
Going to the school is the wrong move, like going to HR at your work. They are not there to support you.
Some advice,
- Adopt the right attitude immediately, you are in the fight of your life and your daughters.
- You are already nearly too late to the battle and you are surrounded by the enemy (school, friends, internet,
counselors, doctors, legal, politicians) don't assume anyone is on your side, most won't be.
- You daughter is hurting, find out why and do your best to address it. It could be a combination of real mental health issues, bulling and just the social environment. Getting help with the real mental issues without getting the wrong help for the gender issues will be the main challenge (it's near impossible be very careful). Most mental health professionals won't even take on minors with these issues and the ones that do likely support the ideology.
- Limit and control the phone and internet as much as possible. Get a flip phone with no internet access. This is the primary source of the issues.
- Consider having one parent quit and be stay at home maybe even home school. It's a hardship but it might just be your only hope. This issue is very likely going to get real bad without a major effort.
- Expect your child to lie, cheat, steal, self harm, and develop other issues. Logic and consequence will go out the window and they will do things you won't
believe.
- Don't try to impose too much control or expect quick results. I can't tell you how difficult this is going to be this is a hostage negotiation it takes an incredible combination of approaches and
tactics and you are going to have to study and learn like it's your full time job.
- If things improve don't let your guard down. It is very likely to come and go and could come back worse at any time.
- Consider that your daughter may have a real issues with
dysphoria, gay, even trans issues don't assume it's just outside
influence. The key is getting to root of issue and slowing things down until you both fully understand and hopefully agree on how to go forward.
- Do everything you can to keep her off
hormones and surgery these are the red lines.
- Be very careful about clothes, hair style, makeup, nails, etc. She will use all of these to drift into the dysphoria. Some could be ok to negotiate to help her deal with her issues but never assume any change is innocent and get to the real reasons for a change.
- Keep your family together at all cost, even if you lose the battle.
- Try to keep a positive attitude, never give up, pick yourself up and carry one no matter what.
- Support your spouse, hopefully you both have the same views on your
daughter
- Do other things with your Daughter to have fun and not focus on gender, its very easy to get target lock and forget to develop all the other areas of life.
- Enforce chores, schoolwork, manners ruthlessly. These will be hard to focus on with the elephant in the room but are essential. Make sure your child is ready to take care of herself and be a productive member of society regardless of the gender issue.
Hope some of this helped or made sense. I may not have the right ideas but I've been through a lot for a long time.