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In need of support...!
#1
I am struggling with my daughter declaring they are trans!  It went from bisexual to lesbian to non binary to trans in 6 short months.  They began dating another child from their progressive private high school who has been identifying as a trans FTM (no surgery) when Covid hit.  We allowed this person into our home and to be intimate with our daughter because we feared that they would not see anyone and that depression would set in. When the relationship first started my daughter spoke of thinking they may not be attracted to this person if they were to go on hormones because she was a lesbian.
Well that has drastically changed.  They are over the top in love and talking about transgender issue together non stop and on a transgender school support zoom.  It has happened so fast and now my daughter is bringing up things such as when she was little she was obsessed with gay men kissing therefore she must be one, that she always wanted to play football with the boys in 6th grade (many girls did), that she remembers hating her breasts.  Never had she exhibited any desire to be a boy.  Always feminine and proud of that!! 
The partner of my daughter bought her a binder.  I am finding this out by snooping and have yet to confront.  I literally am at a loss.  It seems to almost be an obsession now.  Always texting friends, always on the internet, etc...
I have cried every day for over a month and my husband and I are at a loss of what to do. 
What happened to my daughter who liked me who came to me for advice who asked me for assistance.  I feel like I am living with a stranger.  I am just so sad.
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#2
Hi, MammaT, and welcome to the forum/ I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

How old is your daughter? If she is a minor living at home, tell her you won't allow the binder. If the binder is currently aq secret you're not supposed to know about, give it a little time and see if you can "find" it in her room or in the laundry.

Teen relationships tend to flame out, there's hope your daughter will see things differently when the relationship ends.
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#3
(19-Nov-2020, 08:46 PM)MammaT Wrote: I am struggling with my daughter declaring they are trans!  It went from bisexual to lesbian to non binary to trans in 6 short months.  They began dating another child from their progressive private high school who has been identifying as a trans FTM (no surgery) when Covid hit.  We allowed this person into our home and to be intimate with our daughter because we feared that they would not see anyone and that depression would set in. When the relationship first started my daughter spoke of thinking they may not be attracted to this person if they were to go on hormones because she was a lesbian.
Well that has drastically changed.  They are over the top in love and talking about transgender issue together non stop and on a transgender school support zoom.  It has happened so fast and now my daughter is bringing up things such as when she was little she was obsessed with gay men kissing therefore she must be one, that she always wanted to play football with the boys in 6th grade (many girls did), that she remembers hating her breasts.  Never had she exhibited any desire to be a boy.  Always feminine and proud of that!! 
The partner of my daughter bought her a binder.  I am finding this out by snooping and have yet to confront.  I literally am at a loss.  It seems to almost be an obsession now.  Always texting friends, always on the internet, etc...
I have cried every day for over a month and my husband and I are at a loss of what to do. 
What happened to my daughter who liked me who came to me for advice who asked me for assistance.  I feel like I am living with a stranger.  I am just so sad.
Hello MammaT,
I am so sorry! You are in such a challenging place. We listened to the book "Hold on to Your Kids"  (it was suggested in one of the videos by Sasha Ayaad) and though it is not specific to Trans identified kids, it speaks about attachment theory and that many kids are attached incorrectly to peers vs. family. We have employed many strategies from the book and have seen positive changes in our son. There is a complete section about technology at the end. Shortly after his big "coming out" we discovered that he had a social media account using his middle (gender neutral name), participated in adult trans chat groups and live video chats with strangers. We took a hard line and took away all tech (phone, video games and computer). We said to hell with parental controls, they never work any way. No matter what he is going through there are "house rules" and they were broken.

Besides......it is so much harder to look up trans info, contact trans friends and listen to videos telling him how we are toxic if we do not support the who he really is. It is also harder to make plans behind our back......we never thought he would do these things but it is like invasion of the body snatchers at our house so who knows!!!

After removing the tech, he was sullen for a few days but when he realized we would not budge he didn't complain. We followed suggestions from the book that recommended "wooing" kids back into the fold and we have had some success. We still have a long road ahead but I will take any positive change that I can get. 
Best of luck and I am truly sorry about what you are going through.
T
parent of 14 y/o who is SO lost
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#4
MommaT and Brown555, I just realized this thread is in the public portion of the forum.

Would you like me to move it for more privacy?
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#5
(21-Nov-2020, 01:41 AM)brown555 Wrote:
(19-Nov-2020, 08:46 PM)MammaT Wrote: I am struggling with my daughter declaring they are trans!  It went from bisexual to lesbian to non binary to trans in 6 short months.  They began dating another child from their progressive private high school who has been identifying as a trans FTM (no surgery) when Covid hit.  We allowed this person into our home and to be intimate with our daughter because we feared that they would not see anyone and that depression would set in. When the relationship first started my daughter spoke of thinking they may not be attracted to this person if they were to go on hormones because she was a lesbian.
Well that has drastically changed.  They are over the top in love and talking about transgender issue together non stop and on a transgender school support zoom.  It has happened so fast and now my daughter is bringing up things such as when she was little she was obsessed with gay men kissing therefore she must be one, that she always wanted to play football with the boys in 6th grade (many girls did), that she remembers hating her breasts.  Never had she exhibited any desire to be a boy.  Always feminine and proud of that!! 
The partner of my daughter bought her a binder.  I am finding this out by snooping and have yet to confront.  I literally am at a loss.  It seems to almost be an obsession now.  Always texting friends, always on the internet, etc...
I have cried every day for over a month and my husband and I are at a loss of what to do. 
What happened to my daughter who liked me who came to me for advice who asked me for assistance.  I feel like I am living with a stranger.  I am just so sad.
Hello MammaT,
I am so sorry! You are in such a challenging place. We listened to the book "Hold on to Your Kids"  (it was suggested in one of the videos by Sasha Ayaad) and though it is not specific to Trans identified kids, it speaks about attachment theory and that many kids are attached incorrectly to peers vs. family. We have employed many strategies from the book and have seen positive changes in our son. There is a complete section about technology at the end. Shortly after his big "coming out" we discovered that he had a social media account using his middle (gender neutral name), participated in adult trans chat groups and live video chats with strangers. We took a hard line and took away all tech (phone, video games and computer). We said to hell with parental controls, they never work any way. No matter what he is going through there are "house rules" and they were broken.

Besides......it is so much harder to look up trans info, contact trans friends and listen to videos telling him how we are toxic if we do not support the who he really is. It is also harder to make plans behind our back......we never thought he would do these things but it is like invasion of the body snatchers at our house so who knows!!!

After removing the tech, he was sullen for a few days but when he realized we would not budge he didn't complain. We followed suggestions from the book that recommended "wooing" kids back into the fold and we have had some success. We still have a long road ahead but I will take any positive change that I can get. 
Best of luck and I am truly sorry about what you are going through.
T
How old was he when you took away electronics? Also so tough with Covid as they are needed for school. I will get the book. Thank you
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#6
I am in a similar situation but even harder because my son is 23 and away in grad school.  He waited until he was at out-of-state college for the first time to tell us.  We too cry every day and are desperate.  We cannot just take away phone and electronics because he does not live with us.  He won't even come home for christmas or thanksgiving because of "covid" he says.  A therapist took 3 short sessions to tell him he has "gender dyshporia".  We just found out he is seeing a psychiatrist and already on hormones which were given to him in one visit by an endocrinologist.  We feel like we are in a nightmare.  This beautiful boy now has let his hair grow and he looks like a crazy person.  He also now has little boobs. We are so sad and feel so helpless.  I found on kelseycoalition.org lots of good information, but where do we turn for help?  There was a testimonial of someone who saw a therapist through skype in UK and that therapist said "no gender dysphoria" for the child and that helped turn the child around.  I think if any real psychologist/therapist took the time to evaluate my son and try to get to the root of the problem, they too would say "no gender dysphoria" just depression.  Who can we turn to for help? We just pray.  Please advise.
Thanks!
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#7
[quote pid='43531' dateline='1606114021']
I am in a similar situation but even harder because my son is 23 and away in grad school.  He waited until he was at out-of-state college for the first time to tell us.  We too cry every day and are desperate.  We cannot just take away phone and electronics because he does not live with us.  He won't even come home for christmas or thanksgiving because of "covid" he says.  A therapist took 3 short sessions to tell him he has "gender dyshporia".  We just found out he is seeing a psychiatrist and already on hormones which were given to him in one visit by an endocrinologist.  We feel like we are in a nightmare.  This beautiful boy now has let his hair grow and he looks like a crazy person.  He also now has little boobs. We are so sad and feel so helpless.  I found on kelseycoalition.org lots of good information, but where do we turn for help?  There was a testimonial of someone who saw a therapist through skype in UK and that therapist said "no gender dysphoria" for the child and that helped turn the child around.  I think if any real psychologist/therapist took the time to evaluate my son and try to get to the root of the problem, they too would say "no gender dysphoria" just depression.  Who can we turn to for help? We just pray.  Please advise.
Thanks!
[/quote]

Hello, guest. I'm sorry to hear what you're dealing with and that your son has been prescribed hormones without proper investigation into his thought process and mental health.

I invite you to register and join our support board so that you may read and post in the members-only area. This public portion of the forum does not get much traffic from our members. You'll receive more support and more responses if you post your story in the members-only area. To join, you do not need to use your real name or any identifying information. To ensure your privacy, choose a screen name that does not reveal your identity. You do need an email address to join; your email will never be visible on the forum but for your peace of mind you can always join with an anonymous email, as well.

I do hope you will join. You'll find a community of parents you'll be able to converse with, who are in similar situations to yours.
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#8
(21-Nov-2020, 02:04 AM)Marge Bouvier Simpson Wrote: MommaT and Brown555, I just realized this thread is in the public portion of the forum.

Would you like me to move it for more privacy?
Yes please, I did not realize.
Brown555
parent of 14 y/o who is SO lost
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