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(26-Feb-2021, 05:10 AM)Betterdaysahead Wrote: Hey there, I’m not sure if I’m posting this correctly, but here it goes. My 13 year old daughter recently came to me and said she is a boy. It’ was out of the blue, and so confusing. She is internationally adopted, has always been socially awkward, because of COVID, she’s been home and online for the past year. She’s never had many friends, but has developed a “friend” group online. I feel bad because I wasn’t monitoring her online use like I should have... I had no idea that there were so many different terms on gender and sexual orientation. She said while she was researching things to help her friends through their transitions, she realized that she’s actually transgender. She said these friends started calling her by different pronouns, and that it felt really good.

I probably didn’t handle it the best when she told me. I was angry and she said I made it about me, and that I made her feel awful, because she was already doubting herself. Now that’s she’s told me, and I’ve told her I don’t agree, she is digging her heels in even harder. We will continue to use her name, we still use girl pronouns, we’ve taken away her phone and computer, but I’m still so scared, confused, angry, etc.

I don’t want to do or say the wrong thing... maybe I’m the one that’s wrong in this situation. I don’t know? This whole thing just sucks, and I never in my wildest thoughts would have predicted we’d be going through this! Any advice would be greatly appreciated on how to navigate, what to say, and tips to help her. Thank you!!!

Hello, Betterdaysahead,

Welcome to the forum. Your account has been activated. I invite you to post in the members-only area, as forum members don't frequent this public portion of the forum too often. In the members-only area, in addition to getting more replies to your questions, you'll also find lots of support and advice.

I will say your situation sounds very familiar. You mention your daughter was adopted internationally; it seems these kids are overrepresented (as are all adoptees, really) among kids who come to believe they are trans. It's hypothesized adoptees are more susceptible to identity questioning, which makes sense.

Welcome to the forum. You are not alone.
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(26-Feb-2021, 05:10 AM)Betterdaysahead Wrote: Hey there, I’m not sure if I’m posting this correctly, but here it goes. My 13 year old daughter recently came to me and said she is a boy. It’ was out of the blue, and so confusing. She is internationally adopted, has always been socially awkward, because of COVID, she’s been home and online for the past year. She’s never had many friends, but has developed a “friend” group online. I feel bad because I wasn’t monitoring her online use like I should have... I had no idea that there were so many different terms on gender and sexual orientation. She said while she was researching things to help her friends through their transitions, she realized that she’s actually transgender. She said these friends started calling her by different pronouns, and that it felt really good.

I probably didn’t handle it the best when she told me. I was angry and she said I made it about me, and that I made her feel awful, because she was already doubting herself. Now that’s she’s told me, and I’ve told her I don’t agree, she is digging her heels in even harder. We will continue to use her name, we still use girl pronouns, we’ve taken away her phone and computer, but I’m still so scared, confused, angry, etc.

I don’t want to do or say the wrong thing... maybe I’m the one that’s wrong in this situation. I don’t know? This whole thing just sucks, and I never in my wildest thoughts would have predicted we’d be going through this! Any advice would be greatly appreciated on how to navigate, what to say, and tips to help her. Thank you!!!
I feel for you, I and everyone here never thought we'd be going through this. I figured my daughter would go through hard times during puberty and would have body image issues but never this type of behaviour.  My daughter is even younger, at 10.5, and is going through puberty and staying at home during covid and doing school, isolated, she has had higher levels of anxiety and now has said she is a boy and that is really shocking to me.  I hope she snaps out of it.  I've reached out to a local psychiatrist who is controversial in my city because he tries to help kids go back to normal and not transition so I hope she can see him and get some other help for the underlying issues of not having friends and always being online.  I hate the world that we've created with all of this technology.  The saying was always that technology will be our downfall as humans and it just keeps getting worse when they have access to all of these social media sites.  I also wish I had spent more time with her and got her off of the social media and never allowed it but she uses the computer for school so I can't block everything, i'll just have to block sites.  I just don't want her to hate me and rebel further the more I try to push her away from it, it's such a difficult thing to go through and I completely sympathize with you.  Thanks.
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(22-Feb-2018, 12:05 AM)GilMom Wrote: Our 19 years old has suffered from anxiety since the age of 15.  She 'came out' as non binary at 16, and 'male' at 18.  Showed no signs of wanting to be. boy as a young child.  We are left feeling hurt, confused, concerned and terrified.
My child is mid-20s. Same. Heartbreaking. No signs.
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(29-Dec-2020, 06:27 PM)InNeedOfAdvice Wrote: Hello. I guess my story is the same as many others on this site. My 13 year old daughter came to me and told me that she was non-binary about 6 months ago. Then she said she was trans and when I asked her about it she said that non-binary is a form of trans but then last night she made a comment about waiting until she was an adult to transition. This came out of the blue. She never gave any indication that she wanted to be a boy. She got her period about 6 months prior to her announcing this and also had a "boyfriend" who "cheated" on her. I put quotes because I don't think they ever even held hands and although the "cheating" was him making out with a now former friend of hers who seems to be heading in the direction of teen pregnancy. This girl is the girl who announced one day that my daughter was now "dating" this boy. She was a problem to me in that she would tie her shirt up to show her belly and my daughter started doing the same. After all this happened she cut off all her hair, wears 3 bras in an attempt to bind herself and wears her older brothers old clothes. She has a TikTok account where she is very popular doing cosplay of boys and all the comments refer to her as a "king" and a boy. I don't even recognize her anymore. I found a piece of paper where she wrote all over it about being trans like "it's not a phase" etc and one of the comments was "boys can never hurt me again". Maybe it's in response to this boy who hurt her? She went from being one of the most popular girls in school to being pretty much antisocial and only associating with one or two friends who will tolerate her constant obsession with the LGBTQ community. EVERYTHING in her life is about LGBTQ now. She is extremely obsessed with it. Like others, I wish I never got her a phone or laptop. Now that the pandemic has hit and she does school online I cannot get rid of her laptop or the internet and I feel helpless with what she watches and who she communicates with. I have a son who is 15 and she has a twin sister who is 13 so whenever I try to change the rules regarding their devices and internet I am severely gained up on. I am also a single parent with no father around so it is just me. I feel outnumbered. I feel overwhelmed. I feel helpless and heartbroken. I miss my daughter. On the plus side she has no problem talking to me about this as long as I listen and don't say anything that isn't to her liking. She is increasingly moody and will fly off the handle easily and then just as easily be back to normal in her mood. The school calls her a "he" and her "preferred name" like she requested. It really annoys me how me as a parent has no say in any of this with them. I have tried really hard to be supportive and I let her have her own fashion, decorations in her room etc but I won't call her by a different name or pronoun. I just can't do it. It makes her mad but she has seemed to let go of her anger over that part. I told her that I worked really hard on coming up with the best name for her and that because of that, I want to continue using her name that I gave her. I just keep waiting for this nightmare to be over. My other two kids don't understand why it's such a big deal to me. My friends tell me that I should be supportive and do what she asks like I am this terrible intolerant person. I'm not. I have always raised my kids to believe that race, sex, religion are to be respected so I guess I feel like a bit of a hypocrite but it is def a different sceneiro when it's YOUR child who wants to changer her sex. I am all alone. I just want to yell at her and tell her to quit all this BS and force her to be her old self. I don't of course do that but I wish so much that it would be that simple and that she would change back. I keep waiting for the day that she tells me she's changed her mind. I'm still waiting. I just truly don't believe that she is transgender. I don't know if this pandemic in combination with the boy she dated and her period manifested this? I just NEED this to stop. I want my daughter back. I want to be able to take away all social media, internet, everything but I feel like I am just in so deep now with these kids. I am just finding this all so hard to deal with and it just gets harder every day. I try to listen to her when she goes on and on about being trans and how her "x" calls her an "it" and how she seems to take some sort of pleasure in that and just her going on and on about being trans in general but how can I share in her new found "joy" of all of this when it breaks my heart? Anyways, thank you for listening.
This sounds exactly like mine! I don't know what to do. I am a single mom too. She is SO fixated on the trans and lgbtq culture and considers all "cis" an enemy. Is there an update on your story?
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(16-Jun-2021, 03:42 PM)lastbreath Wrote: This sounds exactly like mine! I don't know what to do. I am a single mom too. She is SO fixated on the trans and lgbtq culture and considers all "cis" an enemy. Is there an update on your story?

Hello, lastbreath. Welcome.

I invite you to join the forum so that you may have access to the members-only area, where you will find support, advice and discussion from other parents in similar situations. This public portion of the board doesn't get much traffic from members.

To become a member, click on "join" in the black bar at the top of the page and follow the prompts. Once you've joined, you'll have to wait for a forum administrator to manually activate your account. This can take anywhere from an hour or a day, depending upon admin availability. I hope you'll join.
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(16-Jun-2021, 03:42 PM)lastbreath Wrote:
(29-Dec-2020, 06:27 PM)InNeedOfAdvice Wrote: Hello. I guess my story is the same as many others on this site. My 13 year old daughter came to me and told me that she was non-binary about 6 months ago. Then she said she was trans and when I asked her about it she said that non-binary is a form of trans but then last night she made a comment about waiting until she was an adult to transition. This came out of the blue. She never gave any indication that she wanted to be a boy. She got her period about 6 months prior to her announcing this and also had a "boyfriend" who "cheated" on her. I put quotes because I don't think they ever even held hands and although the "cheating" was him making out with a now former friend of hers who seems to be heading in the direction of teen pregnancy. This girl is the girl who announced one day that my daughter was now "dating" this boy. She was a problem to me in that she would tie her shirt up to show her belly and my daughter started doing the same. After all this happened she cut off all her hair, wears 3 bras in an attempt to bind herself and wears her older brothers old clothes. She has a TikTok account where she is very popular doing cosplay of boys and all the comments refer to her as a "king" and a boy. I don't even recognize her anymore. I found a piece of paper where she wrote all over it about being trans like "it's not a phase" etc and one of the comments was "boys can never hurt me again". Maybe it's in response to this boy who hurt her? She went from being one of the most popular girls in school to being pretty much antisocial and only associating with one or two friends who will tolerate her constant obsession with the LGBTQ community. EVERYTHING in her life is about LGBTQ now. She is extremely obsessed with it. Like others, I wish I never got her a phone or laptop. Now that the pandemic has hit and she does school online I cannot get rid of her laptop or the internet and I feel helpless with what she watches and who she communicates with. I have a son who is 15 and she has a twin sister who is 13 so whenever I try to change the rules regarding their devices and internet I am severely gained up on. I am also a single parent with no father around so it is just me. I feel outnumbered. I feel overwhelmed. I feel helpless and heartbroken. I miss my daughter. On the plus side she has no problem talking to me about this as long as I listen and don't say anything that isn't to her liking. She is increasingly moody and will fly off the handle easily and then just as easily be back to normal in her mood. The school calls her a "he" and her "preferred name" like she requested. It really annoys me how me as a parent has no say in any of this with them. I have tried really hard to be supportive and I let her have her own fashion, decorations in her room etc but I won't call her by a different name or pronoun. I just can't do it. It makes her mad but she has seemed to let go of her anger over that part. I told her that I worked really hard on coming up with the best name for her and that because of that, I want to continue using her name that I gave her. I just keep waiting for this nightmare to be over. My other two kids don't understand why it's such a big deal to me. My friends tell me that I should be supportive and do what she asks like I am this terrible intolerant person. I'm not. I have always raised my kids to believe that race, sex, religion are to be respected so I guess I feel like a bit of a hypocrite but it is def a different sceneiro when it's YOUR child who wants to changer her sex. I am all alone. I just want to yell at her and tell her to quit all this BS and force her to be her old self. I don't of course do that but I wish so much that it would be that simple and that she would change back. I keep waiting for the day that she tells me she's changed her mind. I'm still waiting. I just truly don't believe that she is transgender. I don't know if this pandemic in combination with the boy she dated and her period manifested this? I just NEED this to stop. I want my daughter back. I want to be able to take away all social media, internet, everything but I feel like I am just in so deep now with these kids. I am just finding this all so hard to deal with and it just gets harder every day. I try to listen to her when she goes on and on about being trans and how her "x" calls her an "it" and how she seems to take some sort of pleasure in that and just her going on and on about being trans in general but how can I share in her new found "joy" of all of this when it breaks my heart? Anyways, thank you for listening.
This sounds exactly like mine! I don't know what to do. I am a single mom too. She is SO fixated on the trans and lgbtq culture and considers all "cis" an enemy. Is there an update on your story?
Hello:  We all have the same story.  My daughter is 19 now and this started around 16 y/o.  Don't blame yourself that you are a single mom.  I was too, for years...this evil indoctrination does not discriminate.  It has reached all of our children across the globe.  I am perhaps one of the few people that does not believe in this crap at all.  I will not pretend and I will not support her delusion.  I had many loving convos with her about how I knew she was struggling with things and I wanted to do whatever to help.  Once she jumped online, the internet became her family and I became the enemy.  It is heartbreaking and exhausting.  I have a strained relationship with my daughter and I know she knows that I love her.  She dresses in men's clothes, kept her hair long and I see no evidence of testosterone right now.   She is a college student with goals and is a hard worker, kind and sensitive.    I believe her appearance and state of mind will prevent opportunities that otherwise she would have.  That is a harsh reality of the world....but being in this world will never be easy.  I pray for all of us mothers and parents constantly.  This phenomenon is destroying families.
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My daughter who is 13 has TS. She was diagnosed at the age of 9. She has always had anxiety, even in pre-school. That is an accompanying symptom of the Tourettes. She was diagnosed with severe depression in May after some self harm incidences and then a week after going on meds for depression she was hospitalized for being suicidal. While at this facility she indicated that she was bisexual. My husband and I did not react. Up until that point, she would always point out cute boys so we were not too concerned. Because there wasn't a reaction, she then identified as pan-sexual. Again, no major reaction. She was hospitalized a second time for another suicide attempt. While in the hospital, she was very smitten with a boy who was there at the same time. We enrolled her in partial hospitalization which involved group therapy. There were a couple of transgender participants and now boom...my daughter claims she is a boy. She wants us to use he/him pronouns and gets angry when we don't. We have an 8 year old sun who is very confused by all of this and we try to explain it to him while holding steadfast to our Christian convictions about the topic.
While I feel it is important to support her in this journey/confusing time, I don't know if we should submit and use the preferred pronouns for her mental health and hope that this phase dissipates soon or should we stick with our beliefs and use her natal gender pronouns. My husband refuses to consider her as a boy. I just don't want to cause more mental health harm or have this drag out longer because she is pushing boundaries.
She is in counseling with a new therapist (since the previous therapist missed major red flags) and has only had one session. I"m not sure where the therapist stands on the trans-gender issue.
any advice would be greatly appreciated!!
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