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Our Discussion Topics
#1
Parents on this forum support each other and look for solutions.

Together, we discuss issues such as:

-- The phenomenon of female teens/young adults self-IDing as trans. -- something that has never occurred before

-- The issues faced by boys/ M teens/young men who ID as trans.

-- The role of social media and social contagion -- including the proliferation of vile You Tube videos/Tumblr posts

-- The increasingly young age of children being IDed as trans., and the hazards of Puberty Blockers such as Lupron

-- What role ADHD/ASD/OCD and other comorbid mental health conditions play in IDing as trans.

-- The increasing number of detransitioners; their stories and what that means for our children

-- The search for allied (or at least) objective doctors/psychiatrists/therapists

-- Alternative therapies/treatments to avoid Lupron/HRT/surgery

-- The news
Mom, D 21
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#2
Our 19 years old has suffered from anxiety since the age of 15. She 'came out' as non binary at 16, and 'male' at 18. Showed no signs of wanting to be. boy as a young child. We are left feeling hurt, confused, concerned and terrified.
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#3
(22-Feb-2018, 12:05 AM)GilMom Wrote: Our 19 years old has suffered from anxiety since the age of 15.  She 'came out' as non binary at 16, and 'male' at 18.  Showed no signs of wanting to be. boy as a young child.  We are left feeling hurt, confused, concerned and terrified.

Welcome GilMom, you have much company here.
Wishing you the best.
 Daughter
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#4
We understand, GilMom. Glad you’re here.

Mom S 18
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#5
My 11 year old daughter was never a girly girl but she never complained about wearing girls clothes, we went dress shopping for bridesmaid dresses and she wanted little heels only a18 months ago. Since then she has started her periods and now says she is pansexual and trans ftm. She is constantly on lgbtq social media sites. I don’t want to take that away from her if she really is trans but I just don’t know if she’s is or it’s being submerged in lgbtq constantly that has ignited these feelings. I just really don’t know know what to do for the best. She says she doesn’t want to talk to i any professionals about  it.
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#6
Hi confusedparent, welcome to the board. I'm glad you found us but not glad you have a reason to be here. Your account is now activated, so you may now access the entire forum.

As far as your daughter goes, there is certainly a good chance she is claiming a trans identity in order to fit in, stand out or gain social cache. My immediate advice is to get her off of social media and block access to certain websites like YouTube. Get her involved in volunteer work and productive hobbies such as music, drama, art, sports, raising animals, or whatever she may have an interest in. The less time for navel-gazing and "me-me-me" the better. Finding a therapist who is willing to work on underlying issues and take a "watchful waiting" approach is very difficult, so skipping therapy for now may actually work in your favor.

That is just a start. Come on into the main forum where you find loads of useful advice and parents like you whose kids are in various stages of this madness.
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#7
(10-Mar-2018, 04:09 PM)Confusedparent Wrote: My 11 year old daughter was never a girly girl but she never complained about wearing girls clothes, we went dress shopping for bridesmaid dresses and she wanted little heels only a18 months ago. Since then she has started her periods and now says she is pansexual and trans ftm. She is constantly on lgbtq social media sites. I don’t want to take that away from her if she really is trans but I just don’t know if she’s is or it’s being submerged in lgbtq constantly that has ignited these feelings. I just really don’t know know what to do for the best. She says she doesn’t want to talk to i any professionals about  it.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have burned her phone (and my guess is that most of the parents on this forum would say the same thing)! My daughter began her interest the same way your did, at age 12, shortly after we got her a phone, and I felt exactly as you do now. I wanted her to be able to draw her own conclusions about herself and her sexuality, and respect other people for theirs. I had always believed the "born this way" idea and that outside influences had no impact.  I figured that her curiosity was healthy. Now, I kick myself EVERY second of every day that I didnt nip it in the bud while I had the chance. Reading the experiences of the parents on this forum and other websites devoted to this issue, whos experiences are virtually identical, I am completely convinced that our daughters are NOT coming to conclusions about themselves and their sexuality or gender identification on their own. They are being persuaded, both passively and overtly, that any ambiguity about their sexuality (which at their age, should be ambiguous), and feelings of "not fitting in" (what adolescent doesnt feel that way?), means they are transgender, and that transitioning will solve all of those problems.  They make it seem glamorous and edgy, and that these kids are a special part of something wonderful. What kids doesnt want that? What happens time and time again is that these kids end up feeling anxious, withdrawn, confused, and insecure and retreat to their online world which tells them that those feelings are only further proof that they are transgender.

They become persuaded that "cis" people are the enemy, and that its ok to turn against their parents because they are bigoted and transphobic. They become downright militant about their views. The only word that I can use to describe it is Indoctrination. My daughter is 14 now, says she is a boy and is attempting to socially transition. Getting them away from this influence becomes increasingly difficult as they get older, especially if they have spent a couple of years immersed in it as mine has. She now considers her online friends her only friends. We are attempting to remove access to this stuff slowly so that we dont alienate her. Her ipad "broke" one day. My phone (which she borrowed all the time) is "lost" and I got a flip phone...etc.soon, something is going to "mysteriously happen" to our internet so that no longer works in her room. Passive aggressive parently at its finest.

If  getting rid of the phone isnt an option for you, I would make sure she doesnt have access to certain sites (there is a thread on here with tips for that),  learn everything you can  about this social contagion through this forum, 4th wave now, and other sites dedicated to this issue. Its overwhelming at first, so you might start by looking at The Jung Soul. She does an excellent job of summing up what is going on. Watch the videos your daughter is watching..spend a night (without her) binging on trans-related youtubers (also listed in a thread on this forum), and try and put yourself into an 11 year old girls mindset when you do. Then have  conversations with her about what she has been learning about, and how she feels about it, and tell her what you have learned and how you feel about it. Let he know you are fine with her exploring her sexuality and identity, but that those feelings should come from within, not from outside sources, and that it is really hard for a person to know for sure until their hormones have settled down. Reserve the right to monitor and limit her usage and then do it. Even with restrictions, they find a way to access this stuff. Keep it out of her room at night. They get sucked into binges on this stuff when no one is paying attention.

I know this email sounds alarmist, at least I would have thought so 2 years ago, but I promise you, its not.
D-14, mom
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#8
(10-Mar-2018, 06:55 PM)candycigs Wrote:
(10-Mar-2018, 04:09 PM)Confusedparent Wrote: My 11 year old daughter was never a girly girl but she never complained about wearing girls clothes, we went dress shopping for bridesmaid dresses and she wanted little heels only a18 months ago. Since then she has started her periods and now says she is pansexual and trans ftm. She is constantly on lgbtq social media sites. I don’t want to take that away from her if she really is trans but I just don’t know if she’s is or it’s being submerged in lgbtq constantly that has ignited these feelings. I just really don’t know know what to do for the best. She says she doesn’t want to talk to i any professionals about  it.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have burned her phone (and my guess is that most of the parents on this forum would say the same thing)! My daughter began her interest the same way your did, at age 12, shortly after we got her a phone, and I felt exactly as you do now. I wanted her to be able to draw her own conclusions about herself and her sexuality, and respect other people for theirs. I had always believed the "born this way" idea and that outside influences had no impact.  I figured that her curiosity was healthy. Now, I kick myself EVERY second of every day that I didnt nip it in the bud while I had the chance. Reading the experiences of the parents on this forum and other websites devoted to this issue, whos experiences are virtually identical, I am completely convinced that our daughters are NOT coming to conclusions about themselves and their sexuality or gender identification on their own. They are being persuaded, both passively and overtly, that any ambiguity about their sexuality (which at their age, should be ambiguous), and feelings of "not fitting in" (what adolescent doesnt feel that way?), means they are transgender, and that transitioning will solve all of those problems.  They make it seem glamorous and edgy, and that these kids are a special part of something wonderful. What kids doesnt want that? What happens time and time again is that these kids end up feeling anxious, withdrawn, confused, and insecure and retreat to their online world which tells them that those feelings are only further proof that they are transgender.

They become persuaded that "cis" people are the enemy, and that its ok to turn against their parents because they are bigoted and transphobic. They become downright militant about their views. The only word that I can use to describe it is Indoctrination. My daughter is 14 now, says she is a boy and is attempting to socially transition. Getting them away from this influence becomes increasingly difficult as they get older, especially if they have spent a couple of years immersed in it as mine has. She now considers her online friends her only friends. We are attempting to remove access to this stuff slowly so that we dont alienate her. Her ipad "broke" one day. My phone (which she borrowed all the time)  is "lost" and I got a flip phone...etc.soon, something is going to "mysteriously happen" to our internet so that no longer works in her room. Passive aggressive parently at its finest.

If  getting rid of the phone isnt an option for you, I would make sure she doesnt have access to certain sites (there is a thread on here with tips for that),  learn everything you can  about this social contagion through this forum, 4th wave now, and other sites dedicated to this issue. Its overwhelming at first, so you might start by looking at The Jung Soul. She does an excellent job of summing up what is going on. Watch the videos your daughter is watching..spend a night (without her) binging on trans-related youtubers (also listed in a  thread on this forum), and try and put yourself into an 11 year old girls mindset when you do. Then have  conversations with her about what she has been learning about, and how she feels about it, and tell her what you have learned and how you feel about it. Let he know you are fine with her exploring her sexuality and identity, but that those feelings should come from within, not from outside sources, and that it is really hard for a person to know for sure until their hormones have settled down. Reserve the right to monitor and limit her usage and then do it. Even with restrictions, they find a way to access this stuff. Keep it out of her room at night. They get sucked into binges on this stuff when no one is paying attention.

I know this email sounds alarmist, at least I would have thought so 2 years ago, but I promise you, its not.
So much of this sounds just like what we have been going through. If I could just go back I would do it all differently and enforce the limits and boundaries which seem to have been gradually pushed so far that it seems there may be a crash when we are once again trying to protect her from a culture we believe is unhealthy. Our daughter started slipping away in middleschool, and shut down with counseling.  Now at 15 she claims she tried last year to be more of a girl to please us but she claims it wasn't working for her. This was news to me although I sensed sometimes she wasn't being genuine. She set a goal for 2018 she told us to "come out" again officially with us and we watched a video on different types of trans and had a discussion which was good in some ways even an answer to prayer that what was being hidden would come to light. We still refuse to call her by her new name or use her pronouns while most of her friends do. I am so thankful for this site and hope to find some wisdom in navigating through this. She claims to be genderfluid but there is very much a hardness that has developed from a sweet, smart, emotional, creative daughter who used to cry at the drop of a hat.  Now she gets stoney. I urge you to stay open honest and connected. And I agree disconnect with outside influences that contradict what is healthy for your family.
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#9
(10-Mar-2018, 06:55 PM)candycigs Wrote:
(10-Mar-2018, 04:09 PM)Confusedparent Wrote: My 11 year old daughter was never a girly girl but she never complained about wearing girls clothes, we went dress shopping for bridesmaid dresses and she wanted little heels only a18 months ago. Since then she has started her periods and now says she is pansexual and trans ftm. She is constantly on lgbtq social media sites. I don’t want to take that away from her if she really is trans but I just don’t know if she’s is or it’s being submerged in lgbtq constantly that has ignited these feelings. I just really don’t know know what to do for the best. She says she doesn’t want to talk to i any professionals about  it.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have burned her phone (and my guess is that most of the parents on this forum would say the same thing)! My daughter began her interest the same way your did, at age 12, shortly after we got her a phone, and I felt exactly as you do now. I wanted her to be able to draw her own conclusions about herself and her sexuality, and respect other people for theirs. I had always believed the "born this way" idea and that outside influences had no impact.  I figured that her curiosity was healthy. Now, I kick myself EVERY second of every day that I didnt nip it in the bud while I had the chance. Reading the experiences of the parents on this forum and other websites devoted to this issue, whos experiences are virtually identical, I am completely convinced that our daughters are NOT coming to conclusions about themselves and their sexuality or gender identification on their own. They are being persuaded, both passively and overtly, that any ambiguity about their sexuality (which at their age, should be ambiguous), and feelings of "not fitting in" (what adolescent doesnt feel that way?), means they are transgender, and that transitioning will solve all of those problems.  They make it seem glamorous and edgy, and that these kids are a special part of something wonderful. What kids doesnt want that? What happens time and time again is that these kids end up feeling anxious, withdrawn, confused, and insecure and retreat to their online world which tells them that those feelings are only further proof that they are transgender.

They become persuaded that "cis" people are the enemy, and that its ok to turn against their parents because they are bigoted and transphobic. They become downright militant about their views. The only word that I can use to describe it is Indoctrination. My daughter is 14 now, says she is a boy and is attempting to socially transition. Getting them away from this influence becomes increasingly difficult as they get older, especially if they have spent a couple of years immersed in it as mine has. She now considers her online friends her only friends. We are attempting to remove access to this stuff slowly so that we dont alienate her. Her ipad "broke" one day. My phone (which she borrowed all the time)  is "lost" and I got a flip phone...etc.soon, something is going to "mysteriously happen" to our internet so that no longer works in her room. Passive aggressive parently at its finest.

If  getting rid of the phone isnt an option for you, I would make sure she doesnt have access to certain sites (there is a thread on here with tips for that),  learn everything you can  about this social contagion through this forum, 4th wave now, and other sites dedicated to this issue. Its overwhelming at first, so you might start by looking at The Jung Soul. She does an excellent job of summing up what is going on. Watch the videos your daughter is watching..spend a night (without her) binging on trans-related youtubers (also listed in a  thread on this forum), and try and put yourself into an 11 year old girls mindset when you do. Then have  conversations with her about what she has been learning about, and how she feels about it, and tell her what you have learned and how you feel about it. Let he know you are fine with her exploring her sexuality and identity, but that those feelings should come from within, not from outside sources, and that it is really hard for a person to know for sure until their hormones have settled down. Reserve the right to monitor and limit her usage and then do it. Even with restrictions, they find a way to access this stuff. Keep it out of her room at night. They get sucked into binges on this stuff when no one is paying attention.

I know this email sounds alarmist, at least I would have thought so 2 years ago, but I promise you, its not.
I’ feel the same way candycigs! Wish we would of dealt with it differently from the very 1st moment! The internet is NOT going to help them find they’re way. Limit it with all your ability. My D is 14. And now waiting for the moment she can take T, at 18. Since legally she can do. She is a boy. No talking to her about it. Start now!  So disturbing!
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#10
D-14 Mom, you are right on and I applaud your efforts. I got a good laugh on how things mysteriously break and disappear too ?
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