04-Nov-2021, 08:46 PM
(04-Nov-2021, 07:41 PM)tomv5001 Wrote: Hello, my story is similar to many others here. I'm a devastated father. My daughter (14) has just announced to us that she has been "trans" for a year. Never presented any signs of masculinity growing up, she wore dresses , didn't play with boys, even asked us to paint her bedroom pink. After she attended middle school with a magnet program in visual arts she began to associate with LGBTQ students. I read the book "irreversible damage" and it describes her to a letter. I have spoken with her several times and she is convinced that she is "trans", even cries when I explain to her the fundamentals of biology. She has picked out a male name and would like us to call her by it. I had her see a therapist who affirmed her that she is probably correct that she is trans and her parents may simply be old fashioned. She talks to her best friend (a pansexual girl I just learned) every day for hours and hours, who refers to her as he/him. Also they have a romantic relationship which she denies from me. We live in a traditional middle class household, her mother an I have been happily married for 19 years and we have an older son(17) who plays football and attend the same high school as her.
Here is what I'm planning to do, I would appreciate any thoughts/advice.
1. show her videos of Abigail Shrier , maybe I'll start with her interview in Joe Rogan's podcast. Explain that this is a contagion affecting teenage girls in particular, similar to many others in the past
2. reduce the time she speaks with her friend to one hour a day. I thought about prohibiting it altogether but I'm afraid of how she'll react , speak with the "friend's" parents to tell them my concern and to not be surprised when I limit the phone calls.
3. don't allow her to meet with her friend anymore.
4. find more activities for her to do at school
5. do not call her by her chosen pronouns or names
6. do not dictate what she wants to wear but do forbid certain items of clothing like men's boots for example
Am I too late ? is her future inevitable, like many other's, until she realizes on her own that she has made a mistake
Hello, tomv5001,
Welcome to the board. I'm sorry for what you and your daughter are dealing with. Your story sounds similar to so many other stoires here on the board.
Your membership has been activated. I invite you to post your query in the members-only area, where it is more likely to be seen by and get responses from members. Most members do not visit this public area of the forum too often.
For a quick response to your questions, I'd say 2, 4, 5, and 6 are good places to start, but be careful with 1 and 3. Restricting friendships can often backfire as kids become more and more desperate to see each other if kept apart. The situation becomes romanticized with you as the evil villain in an us v. them scenario. As for showing videos, most detransitioners and desisters who have spoken out say this doesn't help, and some parents have found it makes their child more determined than ever to come across as "authentic trans" to convince themselves and everyone else the social contagion aspect doesn't apply to them. "Oh but that's not me, I really am trans" is usually the child's response. However, some parents make an agreement with their child that the child will watch one video of the parents' choosing and the parents will watch one video the child chooses. Some parents have found that carefully and only occasionally asking juduciously chosen questions helps, as well as encouraging the child develop critical thinking skills. Severely limiting or cutting social media and online access completely may also help. However settle in for a long ride as just about no kid comes out of this quickly.
Any action you take, make sure to frame it as a family online detox, or family social media detox (and apply it to all in the family) or as a measure to improve her grades or mental health, or perhaps as a consequence for some other action that is not allowed, such as being untruthful or disrespectful. Make sure it is not framed as a punishment for believing she is trans of as a way to help her stop thinking she is trans.
Of course, every situation is different so your mileage may vary. I'm sure you'll get additional and more thorough advice in the members-only area.
Welcome to the forum. Best wishes to you and your daughter.
