01-Mar-2021, 04:44 PM
(This post was last modified: 01-Mar-2021, 05:00 PM by Marge Bouvier Simpson.)
(01-Mar-2021, 06:05 AM)OutofNowhere Wrote: Hi, I just submitted my request for an account so it hasn't been approved yet. I don't know where to start. Reading so many of the comments on this forum is both encouraging, scary and sad. But we are glad we found a resource such as this. The culture we live in today is stressful enough and you never think it's going to come for you until you have a 11 year old daughter who "out of nowhere" drops an email into your Inbox with all Caps that read: OUT OF THE CLOSET BREAKING NEWS. Our hearts hit the floor. Especially since the first line shut us down and left us with no recourse but devastated: "Please promise you won't sit down and talk to me about this...." I mean what have we come too. A little backstory probably would help, and I think some of the decisions we've made plays into my DD behavior. My husband was recently transferred overseas with his job. We had to move from a location that they loved. They had great friends, great school, great support, were stars in their sports, they were confident (albeit reserved), and had great grades. Then we get to our new location and Covid hits. Lockdowns, no sports, no friends, no school, no get togethers. In a foreign country. I could see that this has been hard on them both. Especially when they see their friends on my FB page playing on the teams they were on and having sleepovers and get together, while we are under strict quarantine orders. So we lightened up on Internet usage so they could keep in touch with friends back home. They promised us they would only talk to their friends that they knew. No social media accounts, no private chats with anyone else. It was fine for awhile, then they started to talking to friends of friends, first as a group, then as solo private messages. We should of known, once you give them a digital device, they are open to the wild. It's been about a year now living in these lock downs. But long story short, after she told us we started reading her text messages. There is one girl in the group who seems to know all the lingo of this new trend and encouraged my daughter to "come out." So she did. She did it first to this group of online friends, one her old best friend and this other girl she has never met in person. Not even to her sister or too us, that hurts the most. She refuses to talk to us or her twin sister.
We don't have the medical resources where we are located and I don't trust them to begin with. What I don't understand is that she has never expressed interest in boys or girls. She was a kid, growing up. We tried to monitor what they watched and realized no matter what the innuendo or exploitation was slipped in there by media or hollywood or game designers, etc. Things I never really saw until I really looked. I feel like she is lost and alone. She's always been a follower and reserved. We took her from everything she knew during her very fragile formative years and placed her into this situation. I'm hoping this is a phase, but I don't know. So according to her email she wants to be a Demigirl, non-binary, gender-fluid. Which I never heard of course, because when I grew up there was male and female and if you were gay, it was Gay and Lesbian. I don't think she really understands the terms and I can't confirm it because she is shut in. We're afraid she is going to go down this path and get to far down to find her way back. We love her so much. I'm also tired of the tears that just don't stop. She sees me crying, but does not make the connection that she brought upon us. We don't want to put our burden on her, but we feel she has some responsibility in this and needs to explain. In today's world where her friends say "She's validated" means more than the facts. I love my kids so much, but sometimes I wonder if we really did them justice by bringing them into the current world we live in. We don't know what to do or who to talk to. But we hope this forum will help brings us some answers or some hope.
Hello, Outofnowhere,
Your story sounds so familiar. I'm sorry you have found yourself in this unfortunate position but glad you found the forum. The good news is that your daughter is only 11 so you can more easily put your foot down and say "no" to any labels -- she is far too young to label heself. It sounds like your daughter may be going along with this identity stuff so that she feels connected to her old friend group, or feels like she "belongs" with a new one. It is also fortunate that the country you live in doesn't have this sort of medical treatment available.
Your account has been activated.
Welcome. You are not alone.
(01-Mar-2021, 03:38 PM)myxomatosis8 Wrote: New to all this here.
In Canada, and my daughter just came out as trans male, and is 15, going on 16. It's very sudden, matches all the hallmarks of ROGD. I'm trying, but now the stress of the post-coming out has somehow magically turned into significant motor AND verbal tics over a weekend at Dad's- apparently Dad can't quite accept new name and gender, and has said as much, but is trying. So back to our household, and I admitted that while I've switched names and pronouns (aka. eaten the s**t sandwich that was presented to me) just because I don't "believe" the validity of it, I'm evil, and a jerk. Because I didn't THANK her for the s**t sandwich and pretend it tastes great. Because I questioned how someone can develop a persistent, obvious tic over a weekend, I don't understand anything about anything.
She is doing a fantastic job of trying to push away everyone who cares for her, and it's so hard to try to stay the course.
I'm lost, because my version of being "supportive" definitely doesn't seem to match hers. Looks like she was out for drama, and it went too well over the first 2 weeks after transition, so had to up the ante.
Sigh.
Welcome, myxomatosis8.
It seems kids have a new way to rebel and manipulate, doesn't it? Of course every situation is different, but in so many cases, it does seem like controlling parents, manipulating them and/or rebelling against them is the motivation, whether the child realizes it or not. I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. You are not alone.
Your account has been activated.
(01-Mar-2021, 04:20 PM)Jane D Wrote: Our daughter is 14 and was wearing make-up and skirts up until this past November. Last month, she came out as a trans male. She asked to be called by her new male name as well as using the correct pronouns him/his. Her Dad and I were floored...I had intestinal issues for a week after from being so anxious and stressed. We agreed to let her wear boys clothing and to get her very long, beauful curls cut to a boy cut. I feel like the child I birthed has died and there is a new, unaffectionate...very cold person living with us. Our hearts are broken. Daddy no longer has his little girl. Trying to make my brain recognize the girl we raised for 14 years...now as a boy...is nearly impossible. I can't look at pictures of when she was a girl. And when I look at her now, I don't know where our baby went. She no longer hugs us and seems to not even like us very much. She has lived a charmed life and I almost feel that she is doing this as part of her rebellion against us. She has never had a boyfriend or girlfried...never been kissed. She has OCD and anxiety and yes...glued to the internet with trans friend groups who she only knows via internet. She is exceptionally smart. I think that is part of the problem. We would give anything for a solid C average kid at this point. Our greatest worry is suicide. It is the hardest of lives...being gay is socially acceptable, but being trans? We fear when "guys" find out, they will beat the crap out of her. I have nightmares about it. I feel like I lost control and I can't protect my baby anymore. We were always a very close knit family of 3 and she was a very loving and affectionate child...until this past Covid year of isolation. We tell "him" we love him all the time...we said we will support him...but this is his decision to make when he is a legal adult....hormones, surgeries...etc. We will not submit to allowing a child make these permanent changes, only to be blamed later for allowing it. It is a very dangerous road and we are old and exhausted parents. I look at my husband and my heart breaks. He was a stay at home Dad...gave his all to raising her...he is so broken and trying hard. I pray constantly that this too will pass, as did so many other phases. She seems so bold online...but when in public, hides if she sees someone she knows? And that is with a mask on? Why isn't she proud? We are hoping she is questioning herself. It feels good to write this and feel support from other parents who understand.
Hi Jane D., and welcome.
Yet another classic case it appears, complete with high IQ, OCD, anxiety and internet immersion. I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. The shock of it all makes her announcement especially difficult, but it may help to remember that haircuts and clothes are just haircuts and clothes. Your daughter is still your daughter no matter if she is wearing a dress or a hoodie or her hair is long or short.
Your account has been activated. I hope you'll find the members-only area helpful and supportive. You are correct that this is dangerous and exhausting. My best to you and your family.
