From the Members

[Aack]

Thank you all so much for providing a way to connect! My daughter at 14 said she was "gender fluid". We did the watchful waiting approach. She seemed to be just fine after a little while. Even told me "remember when I said I was gender fluid? Well, I'm not anymore". I was relieved. Then at 20 and a couple of months she broke down again, quit her newish job (said it became too stressful and she was having pain and such--which turned out to be psychosomatic), chopped her hair (I don't care if she has short hair) dyed it blue (I don't care if she has blue hair), got a bunch of facial piercings (meh, not my thing and certainly doesn't help her in life, but ultimately, I don't care).  In an emotional moment she cried "I think I'm transgender!"

I'm stunned.

So much more I could say. So many regrets about how we did things or didn't do things. I've read so very much I am convinced she is just a part of the transgender trend among young girls. Specifically, she tends to fixate on gay boys, as they are her primary subject in her sketch book and other art (Tumbler can go f**k itself!)

More than anything, I am looking for a therapist/psychologist in Utah who is NOT affirming. Her current therapist is. I give him credit for helping her find some self acceptance and feeling like she now wants to live. But I also think it will be short lived and it's only a matter of time before that fades and she looks for the next stage to make herself "happy" (hormones and top surgery which we have told her we will NOT pay for under any circumstance) I think she needs to spend a lot of time unpacking her experiences and thoughts about herself.

Again, looking for a NON affirming therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist in Utah--Utah Valley would be ideal.

[greentick]

Hi, mother of a 14yo girl who started identifying as trans shortly after 12th birthday. The last couple of years have been torture. Looking forward to talking more in the member's area.

[JenJen72]

My girl has just come out as transgender despite being a girly girl when she was younger. I'm distraught and don't know what to do.

[Marge Bouvier Simpson]

Welcome to new members Aack, Greentick and JenJen72. My apologies to Aack and Greentick for the late reply.

All of your memberships are now activated. I hope you'll visit and post in the members-only area. The members look forward to hearing from you.

[The Crazy One?]

(edited...)

I am lost and have no idea what to do at this point.

Am I the Crazy one here?

[Marge Bouvier Simpson]

(edited...)

I am lost and have no idea what to do at this point. 

Am I the Crazy one here?

Hi and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this and I'm glad to hear your daughter is feeling better.

I must say you are absolutely not the crazy one. IMHO your daughter's case is a classic one, so similar to what we see here very often: young kid latching onto a new identity when things aren't going so great in their life. It seems so many of our kids are using a trans identity to either hide or get attention or a weird combination of both, or deal with stress, or become someone new in order to escape the trials they are going through. We see it here again and again, girls get their period or develop a womanly body, and bam - suddenly they are a boy, because boys don't have to deal with having the body of an adult woman or the baggage and expectations that go along with being a woman today. With kids of either sex, perhaps their parents divorce or a loved one passes away, a parent's job makes it necessary for the family to move away, maybe a sibling is diagnosed with a serious medical condition, or their best friends gang up and dump them, and bam - suddenly they are trans.

Of course every kid is different, but I think for some, taking on a new identity gives them a feeling of control over their lives. They can't control their maturing body, they can't control their parents splitting up or their friends dropping them, but if they take on a new identity, they can become someone who they think is is cool or brave or sweet (or whatever), and they also gain a good deal of control and power. Suddenly kids who might have been brushed aside (while adults dealt with more pressing issues) are allowed to call the shots, to dictate to adults what they must be called and how they must be treated.

So no, you are not the crazy one. Your account has been activated if you would like to join us in the members-only area. You've posted a good deal of information here that may allow your daughter to recognize herself if she happens to come across this public area of the forum. I am happy to move it to the members-only area; just let me know.

Welcome. You are not crazy, and you are not alone.

[Guest]

So glad to have found this forum. My 11 year old daughter who has just started her period says she hates her body and is fixated on gay you tubers and has recently said she is transgender. She is having difficulty making friends at school, has been bullied and has not had a good male role model in her life so I think these are all contributing factors but the main issue is what I see as this trans cult on the internet, it sickens me that they are encouraging transitioning at such a young age. Everything you read tells you to support it but my gut says absolutely not. How do you all handle the internet use issue? I would love to take the iPad away entirely but that is not realistic. Would love to hear your thoughts and opinions on how you are handling this, what seems to work and doesn’t.

[Marge Bouvier Simpson]

[quote pid='38351' dateline='1588420504']
So glad to have found this forum.  My 11 year old daughter who has just started her period says she hates her body and is fixated on gay you tubers and has recently said she is transgender.  She is having difficulty making friends at school, has been bullied and has not had a good male role model in her life so I think these are all contributing factors but the main issue is what I see as this trans cult on the internet, it sickens me that they are encouraging transitioning at such a young age.  Everything you read tells you to support it but my gut says absolutely not.  How do you all handle the internet use issue?  I would love to take the iPad away entirely but that is not realistic.  Would love to hear your thoughts and opinions on how you are handling this, what seems to work and doesn’t.
[/quote]

Welcome, guest.

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. As you have probably read here in the previous posts, the members of this forum feel basically the same as you, that a kid who suddenly announces they are trans, especially one who is suddenly says they're trans
after going through some sort of personal life difficulty and/or binge-ing on YouTube, should definitely not be immediately affirmed and supported as trans. Your daughter sounds like so many of our own kids as far as what she is going through and the circumstances surrounding her new-found trans identity.

I agree that it is difficult to completely unplug a kid from the internet, especially now that most schools have gone completely online due to the coronavirus pandemic. There are some fairly decent parental control programs such as Disney Circle. Consider installing that for the short term, then perhaps unplugging her completely (or nearly completely) once the school year is over, which hopefully for your area is soon. Then keep her busy-busy-busy this summer with anything and everything you can think of: arts and crafts, sports, hiking, cooking, gardening, fishing, a musical instrument, a few new or extra chores, pet sitting, books and board games, coin collecting, maybe even a new pet, researching/planning your family's "dream" vacation for next summer (hopefully we can all travel again next summer!) etc. Anything and everything you can think of that would strike her fancy, keep her busy and/or get her doing something constructive and productive rather than navel-gazing and ruminating.

There is much more information in the members-only area. A new member joined just around the time of this post; if that is you, your membership is now activated. If that was not you who joined, I invite you to join so that you can access the members-only area.

[Marge Bouvier Simpson]

Hello, mambear09. You've come to the right place.

You are smart to be concerned about finding a professional that won't immediately affirm. It is not impossible, but the odds of finding one aren't great.

Your membership has been activated. Welcome.

[thorn4115]

Oh you could be me 3 years ago.   My son suddenly decided he was a girl.  Last year of college.  Looking back I should have seen problems, honestly I did not see anything like this.  He had been really nasty and selfish with his siblings, they almost had stopped talking to him.  He was practically living with his girlfriend at college.  I think I was in shock the first 8 months.  I wish I had not been, I should have gone there and had him have an incomplete for the year and brought him home.  Even in his early 20's he was immature enough that I would have had some control over him. I wish I had thrown his cell phone and our internet over the hill then.   Now it is too late.  He graduated, came home, and began taking estrogen later in that year.  Worked in retail for a bit.  He moved out, which I am thankful for.  It honestly hurts terribly to see him this way.  He was a good looking kid.  I have been helping him a bit but recently told him that I am not going to anymore, he made his path and I am not contributing to this one.  He would like to have a good relationship with me.  I just cant.  We have not gone out even to dinner as a family since this all started and do not expect it to change any.  No vacations etc.  I am barely holding it together and his father cannot stand to be in the same room with him and hear him talk in a high sissy voice.   It is not easy.  Everyone here understands and prays for all of our kids