Joining The Support Board

[Marge Bouvier Simpson]

Hello, 

I'm a young man who has a female friend ('Dani') who is going through a roughpatch.  

She is the daughter of one of my father's friends. We first met when she was 11 years old. I'm somewhat older than her, so I didn't spend much time with her back then, but I remember her well enough to know that she showed no evidence of childhood onset gender dysphoria. Over the years I would see her at parties and I never 'coded' her as being on the LGBT spectrum. She was a little tomboyish as a young teen but not excessively so. She fit in well with other girls, was happy, was outgoing, and dressed normally. 

The only noteworthy things about Dani were that: 

1) She sometimes had anxiety issues. This would happen at seemingly random times. 

2) She had an intense fascination with WWII, the Eastern Front, and the Baltic Countries. 

I ended up becoming reacquainted with her last year (she was 18) and it became clear that she had a very intense crush on me. She struck me as surprisingly attractive, gifted, and witty - but depressed. She didn't seem ready to be in a serious relationship and I had some health issues to deal with so I decided that we should be casual friends. 

We started chatting a bit a few months ago. I learned that all of Dani's other friends are LGBT and that she had been toying with various gender non-conforming identities. I also learned, from a relative, that Dani had lost nearly all of her non-LGBT friends under difficult circumstances (she had been bullied by two girls who she'd previously been friends with). 

Many of the traits described in this thread fit her: 

- Depressed. 
- Socially isolated. 
- Gifted. 
- Anxious and Shy. 
- Physically Feminine / AKA Not Masculine (she's actually quite big chested for a thin girl and I think this may have caused some anxiety for her growing up). 
- Difficult Relationship With Her Parents.



There's more that I can say, but I'd rather not put it on a public thread. 

Would deeply appreciate being able to read the rest of the forum and see others experiences.

Welcome to the forum, Alex99.

Your friend sounds like a classic case of a girl who may be in danger of using gender identity to either fit in, become someone new and brave, distract herself from her problems, etc. 

You are a kind friend to be concerned and to be looking for information that might help prevent her from becoming a lifelong medical patient and/or making irreversible changes she may regret.

I think you might be in a unique position to help her, since these kids are often taught to see parents as the enemy, or at best old-fashioned who just don't understand gender identity issues. Since you are a friend and closer to her age, she may be more willing to listen to you and consider what you have to say, although it can be tricky for sure when telling someone things they don't want to hear. A lot of our kids are deeply indoctrinated and refuse to consider or even listen to any other perspective. There is advice in the members-area on how to approach this.

Your account has been activated. Welcome to the forum.

[Alex99]

Welcome to the forum, Alex99.

Your friend sounds like a classic case of a girl who may be in danger of using gender identity to either fit in, become someone new and brave, distract herself from her problems, etc. 

You are a kind friend to be concerned and to be looking for information that might help prevent her from becoming a lifelong medical patient and/or making irreversible changes she may regret.

I think you might be in a unique position to help her, since these kids are often taught to see parents as the enemy, or at best old-fashioned who just don't understand gender identity issues. Since you are a friend and closer to her age, she may be more willing to listen to you and consider what you have to say, although it can be tricky for sure when telling someone things they don't want to hear. A lot of our kids are deeply indoctrinated and refuse to consider or even listen to any other perspective. There is advice in the members-area on how to approach this.

Your account has been activated. Welcome to the forum.

Thanks

[crankytrex]

Hi, I'm a father with a daughter going through this LGBT spectrum. She has been calling herself by boy names and when she "outted" herself at school needless to say that was a difficult time for her bothers in the same school. In Michigan we have become "Affirming" obsessed to the point we can't address underlying mental struggles. My daughter began cutting years ago, and had a traumatic sexual experience after a move to a new town. This appears to be the beginning of the split personality and dividing and creating new persons/names to deal with the past experience. She is highly intelligent, a creative person trending strongly to the arts. She also is introverted and allows others to speak for her and blends her interests to others to "fit in". High in neurosis is a anxiety/depressive adolescent fits into the stereotypical profile of this group. I'm am seeking advice and other parents counsel as to what lies over the horizon while trying to balance the needs of the family.

[Heather]

Hi, I'm a father with a daughter going through this LGBT spectrum. She has been calling herself by boy names and when she "outted" herself at school needless to say that was a difficult time for her bothers in the same school. In Michigan we have become "Affirming" obsessed to the point we can't address underlying mental struggles.  My daughter began cutting years ago, and had a traumatic sexual experience after a move to a new town.  This appears to be the beginning of the split personality and dividing and creating new persons/names to deal with the past experience.  She is highly intelligent, a creative person trending strongly to the arts.  She also is introverted and allows others to speak for her and blends her interests to others to "fit in".  High in neurosis is a anxiety/depressive adolescent fits into the stereotypical profile of this group.  I'm am seeking advice and other parents counsel as to what lies over the horizon while trying to balance the needs of the family.

Welcome the forum, crankytrex. Your account has been activated.  

There are lots of fathers and mothers here going through the same experiences you have been with your daughter, and I am sure they will answer your questions. In the meantime, I encourage you to read through some of the past posts made by members, where you will find that you are far from alone. We share useful insights, ideas, and links to resources with each other here . . .  and sometimes we just vent.

Please, remember to omit identifying details from your posts as we are all anonymous and so our moderators cannot always screen out individuals who may have less-than-beneficent intentions from these pages.

I am glad that you have found us.

Best!
Heather

[antfrog]

Hi, I'm the mom of a 15yo daughter who has always been a little different, we thought she was just a tomboy and we always supported her being whoever she wanted to be. But now she is starting to say things like that she thinks she might really be a boy, and her therapist is telling us we should support her in this. I just can't get behind this ... I am looking for resources on finding better therapists for her. Even in our relatively conservative community it's hard to find anyone. I am really new to all this and just looking for help from other parents who've been through something similar. Thanks.

[Heather]

Hi, I'm the mom of a 15yo daughter who has always been a little different, we thought she was just a tomboy and we always supported her being whoever she wanted to be. But now she is starting to say things like that she thinks she might really be a boy, and her therapist is telling us we should support her in this. I just can't get behind this ... I am looking for resources on finding better therapists for her. Even in our relatively conservative community it's hard to find anyone. I am really new to all this and just looking for help from other parents who've been through something similar. Thanks.

Hi, antfrog! Welcome to this forum. You are in good company and the good news is that there have been so many resources developed for parents in our position to gain some clarity and a sense of not being completely isolated and questioning one's own sanity in this funhouse mirror of a culture we find ourselves in.

Before shopping for a therapist for your child, you might want to start with listening to some episodes of Gender: A Wider Lens, hosted by two experienced (and sane) therapists who work with youth, Stella O'Malley and Sasha Ayad. 

I think you need to be clear on what you think is happening and why before you go looking for solutions. I think this gender identity stuff seizing the minds of our kids is particularly difficult for us mothers, because we are more likely to start out reeling with guilt and a suspicion that the reason our children seem to want to destroy themselves and transform into someone else MUST have something to do with our incompetence in parenting them. There are some horrible people out there posing as healers, who are merely using the profession of therapy to fill whatever emotional holes they have in their own lives by manipulating vulnerable people into cramming themselves into boxes to serve as evidence for some theory about what humans are. A parent frantic to save his or her child from a delusion is one of the most vulnerable people around . . . and we are irresistible targets for gurus, pseudoscientists, and snake oil peddlers. 

So when shopping for a therapist, remember this: Stella and Sasha warn us that bad therapy is worse than no therapy at all.

From what I've heard them say in the past, I think they might agree with my crack at defining what good therapy is: I think good therapy helps an individual explore what inside their heads might be preventing them from responding with resilience to the realities of being human, living among other humans, in often painful and unfair situations. 

Telling a child they've got something called a "gender identity" stuck in "the wrong body," which they may need to change with drugs and surgery . . . well, I don't think we're crazy to see any therapist encouraging our kids to believe that story as remarkably cruel and dangerous. Of course, once a child has this ideology lodged like a fishhook in his or her mind, it takes some finessing to remove it . . . but you must insist that any therapist you give access to your child explain very clearly and concretely what they mean when they tell you that you must be "supportive," and "affirming" and "accepting." Don't let them muddle you with doublespeak and euphemisms.

Get clear on what is real and what is sophistry.

How much time you have and how you are best able to consume information will determine which of the resources the Genspect site offers you will be useful to you right now. Also there are also a great many other organizations/support groups, etc., you can eventually discover from that starting point.

https://genspect.org/resources/

As far as this forum goes, there are years' worth of postings from parents in situations similar to yours . . . and you may find comfort and ideas from what they share here. Also, there are many generous souls here who will offer you advice and opinions if you ask for it.

In the meantime, Hang in there Mom.  Your child needs you, even while she is doing her best to push you away. As you probably already know, you will need to perform like a Saint to avoid feeling and expressing anger towards her .  . . and you will need to forgive yourself from time to time when you make a mistake here and there as you deal with her. Be clear about what the mistake was, and try to use it to get better at dealing with this nightmare. But don't let that demoralize you into allowing anyone to tell you that you are not the foremost expert when it comes to knowing and loving your child.

[savewomenssportsfromtrans]

hello. I'm new to this message board and hoping to be added to the private section so I can post more about my situation. My female child was stolen by the trans cult, and now there are trans "girls" on my other female daughter's soccer team. I am so devastated and depressed and need support. I feel like I failed.

[Marge Bouvier Simpson]

hello. I'm new to this message board and hoping to be added to the private section so I can post more about my situation. My female child was stolen by the trans cult, and now there are trans "girls" on my other female daughter's soccer team. I am so devastated and depressed and need support. I feel like I failed.

I'm so sad for you that you've been hit by a double trans whammy. The insanity is so pervasive. You haven't failed. Ufortunately our kids are bombarded with trans messaging everywhere they go. It is impossible for them to avoid.

Your account has been activated. Welcome to the forum.

[Heather]

hello. I'm new to this message board and hoping to be added to the private section so I can post more about my situation. My female child was stolen by the trans cult, and now there are trans "girls" on my other female daughter's soccer team. I am so devastated and depressed and need support. I feel like I failed.

Dear savewomenssportsfromtrans, you should not give in to the temptation to blame yourself. Yes, a little introspection on what you did or said in response to your child's behaviors is useful, if it's just to take stock of whatever mistakes you made so that you can do something different in the future, is productive; but do not accept the guilt. We are living in exceptionally crazy times, and all of us here just were in the wrong place at the wrong time and we got caught up in the gears of a very large machine, and we could not have seen it coming.

It's ironic, but your greatest vulnerability is also your superpower: the fact is that you love your children and all those trans-indoctrinated "be kind" people who have been using them to feed their own egos definitely do not, is your superpower.

You are in the right place. You can read and learn from the experiences of other parents in this forum. Compare and Contrast your own experiences with their stories and it will help you see your own situation more clearly, help you figure out a strategy for yourself going forward. You're not alone, and remembering that is a way to stay sane in the meantime. Please believe that you possess hidden reserves in you that you can use to get through this. Hang in there.

[anker]

Hi everyone... wasn't sure where to post but wanted to introduce myself. I have a 16yo daughter saying she wants to be a boy. She was so outgoing and happy until this all started last year. Honestly I'm just devastated... hoping to talk to people in a similar situation and find some support. It's just all so overwhelming.