About the Gender Critical Support Board

[MelissaB]

I’m very glad I found this place.

My daughter first brought up wanting to be male the first day of summer after 7th grade…so…2015. She had never expressed anything like this in her short 12 years. In fact, she hadn’t really said much about anything ever; and out of the blue, she sends her father and me a text saying that she’s felt this way for a “long time” and she didn’t want us to talk to her about it. Uhhh…Nope. Not gonna happen.

So, I countered with “it is unfair to drop this on us when you haven’t spoken to us about ANYTHING for 2 years.” So we took a step back and she started therapy.

Tonight I brought it up again because things kinda got back to a “normal” life and I was scared of the answer…well, she says she identifies as male, her friends call her by her preferred name, but she doesn’t want to do surgery or testosterone while she’s in high school. She does want to change her name before graduation.

This isn’t about me, of course. If she’s really transgender, then fine. I love my kid no matter what.

But I don’t think she’s trans and I can’t figure a way to broach my skepticism with her.

I told her tonight, “I just want you to do well in school so you can get out of this state…and I want you to be happy. That’s it.”

We’ve got a lot of work to do on this journey…and I’m trying to get passed my hurt feelings.

Anyway…I need a community that won’t vilify me for my position with my child.

Thanks for reading.

Dangerfox 
I am going through the same struggle.  When my daughter was in 7th she told us she was trans.  This is a year after telling us she was queer/gay.  Her friends have been calling her by her chosen name.  We still call her by the name we gave her.  But that is changing soon.  We asked her to wait 6 months before making an official change.  Its been 6 months so I am just waiting until she brings it up again. And she will. 

She also struggles with anxiety and depression. (Note: she was a girly, outgoing, very social and well liked her whole life.) I have no idea where all of her issues are from. It is heartbreaking.  I just want her to be happy.

This has been a horrific year! You are not alone

[Marge Bouvier Simpson]

Hello to the two Melissas, above.

Welcome to the forum.

Please register if you would like to discuss your situation in our members-only forum, which is much more active than this guest forum. Click on the word "register" in the black bar near the top left of the page. Once you register, you'll have to wait until your account is manually approved, which could take anywhere from an hour to a day. You'll find many more parents, much more information and lots of emotional and practical support in the members-only section. Hope to see you there.

[Guest]

I think I am. It’s just confusing the way it is set up. Thank you!!!

[luckymom]

I wanted to join this group to share my experience with a daughter who was convinced she was a boy when she was 16, but seems to be doing okay now away at college at 19. Please let me know if I can help anyone. I don't have a magic bullet for this problem, but hope others will have hope that it can turn around.

Hi Lucky Mom 

I am so glad to hear she is doing well. When you say she is doing ok -  does she still identify as a boy or has she returned to her biological gender?  If she did return, when did that happen?
Thanks!

Hi Melissa. So, she is no longer insisting she's a boy or referring to herself in the masculine. When referring to herself she refers to herself as female. That being said, her Facebook page still uses "they" "them." She still uses her neutral sounding nickname with her friends, which is fine because we have called her that nickname since birth as well. I still refer to her by her full name and reference her as "she" with no objections. I haven't had a discussion on gender with her since she left for college. I don't think she will quite admit she was wrong. I just know she has backed away from all the scary stuff we dealt with in high school. It has been a slow progression, but I think the real turning point for her was when she started dating a biological "cisgender" boy in 12th grade. All the trans stuff slowly started to fade away slowly. She kept up the façade with friends for a while, and she may still be doing this a bit with old trans friends, but she's no longer obsessed with this issue. I lucked out.

[Ryder'smom]

I feel very fortunate to have found this board today.

My daughter is 14 and shared she feels she is transgender in August, so approximately 5 months ago. She had struggled with body dysmorphia and showed some signs of developing an eating disorder for a few years, has struggled off and on with depression and anxiety since childhood, and had been totally immersed in social media, especially Tumblr, prior to this time. She is an only child, bright, a bit quirky, and has struggled with friendships and fitting in over the years. She never shared that she felt male or showed any signs of wanting to be male as a child. She also has a handful of trans friends and those who identify on the gender spectrum (non-binary, gender fluid, etc.), some of whom she knows online and some in person. Prior to her announcement, she spent 9 months in an online relationship with a girl thinking she might be bisexual, which ended after she was harassed on Tumblr after determining she isn't attracted to girls. She recently reported to me that the former girlfriend (with whom she has no contact, has deleted her Tumblr account) is now also identifying as trans -- she heard this from a mutual trans friend.

In the past five months, we've gotten her on Prozac which has helped with her anxiety and some of her depression, though it still lingers, and she's seeing a therapist (who does not have a specialty in gender identity issues) who has made some headway in stabilizing her moods. However, she is very entrenched in her new identity, obsessed with hormone treatments and begging us to help her get them at 16. We call her by her preferred name at home and have allowed her to get a binder, cut her hair short and wear more masculine clothing -- all concessions we made because she was so anxious and obsessive. She is still struggling with depression and anxiety but says she feels happier now than she has in a while -- we don't know whether to attribute this to meds and therapy, living in her chosen new identity, ending the relationship with the girl that had really stressed her out, or a combination of the above.

A few questions for those of you dealing with these issues:
1. How does one find a therapist who can help explore these issues and provide breathing space to slow down obsessive thinking? We are in the Cleveland, Ohio area. I am concerned that any "gender identity" therapist I find will tell me that I need to support her transition and fulfill her requests as soon as possible. I am convinced there may be more going on here and that she needs time to be more introspective and thoughtful. Her struggles with her changing body have been a huge part of this, so therapy addressing that issue will be crucial, I think.


2. Does anyone have suggestions for cutting down social media use (which I'm certain is a culprit) without alienating her or giving her panic attacks? She seems to think social media is her lifeline and even admits it helped to "educate" her on what it means to be trans.

3. I want to find other activities that help develop her as a full person and get her mind on other things. Outdoor activities have been suggested but any others are welcome. I do think her anxiety prevents her from trying new things and has served to isolate her over the years, so I'm looking for things that get her out and active.

Thank you for any help you can offer! I am comforted knowing I'm not alone in this.

[GabbySonbis]

Wow! I am so happy to have found this group. I am about 2 years into regret over how I handled the situation with my daughter. 
I am not sure how to proceed now. 
My 16 year old came my husband at 14 stating that she is transgender. 
We found out that the school had already adopted a male name and he/him pronouns (without consulting us) 
At that time I felt that it would be too damaging to stop them in the event this turned out to be true.
I really struggled with trying to find a balance. I wanted to be supportive but I also thought it was likely a phase that would pass. 
She always had trouble connecting with other students. When middle school started she found someone she could connect with. She started to dress like her friend and listen to the same music as her friend. This friend made an announcement that they are transgender and suddenly my daughter seemed to follow suit. 
I did agree to let her cut her hair and did not mind if she chose masculine clothing. I did turn down requests for binders and hormone therapy. I did say that we (husband, brother and extended family ) would not use he/him or the chosen male name. 
But the school and friends continue to do so and I feel like she has just settled into this and is not allowing any exploration of who she really is. I am really just hoping someting clicks soon.

[HopeFloats]

Wow! I am so happy to have found this group. I am about 2 years into regret over how I handled the situation with my daughter. 
I am not sure how to proceed now. 
My 16 year old came my husband at 14 stating that she is transgender. 
We found out that the school had already adopted a male name and he/him pronouns (without consulting us) 
At that time I felt that it would be too damaging to stop them in the event this turned out to be true.
I really struggled with trying to find a balance. I wanted to be supportive but I also thought it was likely a phase that would pass. 
She always had trouble connecting with other students. When middle school started she found someone she could connect with. She started to dress like her friend and listen to the same music as her friend. This friend made an announcement that they are transgender and suddenly my daughter seemed to follow suit. 
I did agree to let her cut her hair and did not mind if she chose masculine clothing. I did turn down requests for binders and hormone therapy. I did say that we (husband, brother and extended family ) would not use he/him or the chosen male name. 
But the school and friends continue to do so and I feel like she has just settled into this and is not allowing any exploration of who she really is. I am really just hoping someting clicks soon.

Are you registered on this forum?  You should move this to the member forum - you will have more interaction and response. 

Welcome and I will say, don't beat yourself up about how you handled things in the past.  We all have our share of regret with this whole thing - the difference is how you move forward with it. 
Think of it as a persona - they are trying things on, but with reinforced "support" via outside forces.  You don't have to fall for it - you just do what you KNOW is right. You have a child who was born as a girl - she is a girl. She will figure it out - it took my daughter 5 years!

Hang in there - you are not alone!

[Guest]

[quote pid='3645' dateline='1511228684']
I am going through the same thing. Exactly. It's as if there is a tutorial somewhere on how to pull this off. I am so sad. I miss the daughter I used to have. I don't enjoy dropping her off at school and seeing the other teens who appear normal. I miss when people called her a mini me. She is going to counseling and starts seeing a psychiatrist soon so I'm hopeful we can figure out the real issue.
[/quote]

This is so me... I'm mourning who my daughter was for 15 years and wondering what the hell happened the last two years to my beautiful daughter.... Mine refuses counseling - we tried and she doesn't think it's helping her so didn't participate.  I'm so sad about this and when I let myself think about it all I want to do is cry.

[lovingbutconcernedparent]

[quote pid='20189' dateline='1540674184']
I know this is not a local forum. However, if there are any parents in the Seattle WA area who would like to form a parental support group in person, please reach out to me. My daughter is 14 and never had any childhood markers.
[/quote]

Hi, I am in Seattle and would like to connect.

[Marge Bouvier Simpson]

Hi lovingbutconcernedparent, and welcome.

Your membership has been approved and you can now access the members-only forum. I suggest posting your request there, where it is likely you will get more responses.

Hope to see you "inside."