24-Aug-2019, 07:59 PM
Hi. I'm hoping to have found a like-minded place. Our delightful 14.5 year old son announced to us at breakfast yesterday and out of the blue that he feels he is a girl, would like us to use female pronouns and call him our daughter. I never saw this coming, and I am not proud of how I am reacting to it. I do not wish to shame him, to invalidate his experience, to try to convince him of something that isn't true inside him. But I cannot help being skeptical. I've been completely distracted by this since he told us, and don't know what to do. I spent most of the day yesterday trying to just be at peace with it, telling myself there is nothing I can do. My husband and I talked about finding a therapist who will help us all navigate this transition, but then we woke up this morning and asked ourselves, what if we just told him no, this is not how we see you? Would it just drive him away from us?
Today we had another conversation with our son. I asked him when he says he feels like he's a girl, what does that look like, or feel like? He was unable to articulate it, and I asked him what it looks like or feels like to be a boy--also unable to articulate it. I told him he has given us a lot to think about in the past 24 hours, that I am supportive of whoever he is, but I don't believe it is the right approach to apply the label and make the sudden pronouncement first, when he hasn't sorted out his own feelings. He doesn't understand the ramifications of this, and he hasn't explored what gender identity means to him at all. He's 14; that's still a CHILD!
I feel like a terrible parent. I am not unsupportive of transgender people; I think we should have gender free bathrooms, trans adults should serve in the military and in Congress, and should be treated with dignity and respect.
And this is not me saying it's fine for others, just not for my child. I am fully supportive of him trying on female behaviors and female presentations. If he wants to start wearing dresses and makeup and growing his hair long, or whatever, I am on board. But can we just not call it transgender yet? There is a very broad spectrum of what a male can be like, and he might be somewhere on that, rather than pronouncing himself female and taking whatever extraordinary measures he might take to complete that transition.
My membership is not activated yet, so I look forward to reading more on here, and hopefully finding support.
Today we had another conversation with our son. I asked him when he says he feels like he's a girl, what does that look like, or feel like? He was unable to articulate it, and I asked him what it looks like or feels like to be a boy--also unable to articulate it. I told him he has given us a lot to think about in the past 24 hours, that I am supportive of whoever he is, but I don't believe it is the right approach to apply the label and make the sudden pronouncement first, when he hasn't sorted out his own feelings. He doesn't understand the ramifications of this, and he hasn't explored what gender identity means to him at all. He's 14; that's still a CHILD!
I feel like a terrible parent. I am not unsupportive of transgender people; I think we should have gender free bathrooms, trans adults should serve in the military and in Congress, and should be treated with dignity and respect.
And this is not me saying it's fine for others, just not for my child. I am fully supportive of him trying on female behaviors and female presentations. If he wants to start wearing dresses and makeup and growing his hair long, or whatever, I am on board. But can we just not call it transgender yet? There is a very broad spectrum of what a male can be like, and he might be somewhere on that, rather than pronouncing himself female and taking whatever extraordinary measures he might take to complete that transition.
My membership is not activated yet, so I look forward to reading more on here, and hopefully finding support.
