Our Discussion Topics

[EverHopeful]

Missingmyboy I’m also the parent of a son who fits the descriptions of ROGD girls to The letter. Our son told us he was trans at 16.5 and is now 19. It’s been a living nightmare. I’m here if you want to compare notes or discuss anything specific to boys. I find it’s so similar to the girls stories, but It becomes a b T more complicated for a boy to wear feminine clothes, makeup etc than it is for a girl to wear no makeup, boys clothes etc.

And I don’t mean to reinforce stereotypes by those clothing labels - just trying to be concise. Of course, kids should be able to wear what they like. My son seems to think the clothes will solve his problems, however. And to do that, they’d have to be magic! His problems run way deeper than those that can be solved by changes in appearance.

Mom, S19

[Libby]

Hi, this is the first time I have found this board and I was wondering if it is for parents of only children and young adults.  My reasons for asking are I have a child (mid-twenties) who is seriously thinking of transitioning (female to male).  I am so distressed and am really struggling to cope.  I love my daughter so much and, up until recently, had believed that she was bi-sexual and felt a sort of mix of male and female.  I am genuinely a supportive and caring parent who wants the absolute best for my child but I feel shaken to the core that she may transition completely.  I'm truly not transphobic but can't help thinking that other avenues should be explored first.  I realise this isn't about looks but she's very feminine looking and soft and gentle so it feels even harder to reconcile somehow with her telling me she is in fact male.  I realise my child seems to be considerably older than the children of other posters.  Maybe I just have to be completely accepting of her decision (I feel 'bad' even saying 'she'!) but any support would be so very welcome.  Thank you.

You are certainly welcome here.

The age of our children varies a great deal.

We're here to support each other thru this nightmare whatever the age of our kids.

I wish you and your family the very best.

[Missingmyson]

Missingmyboy I’m also the parent of a son who fits the descriptions of ROGD girls to The letter. Our son told us he was trans at 16.5 and is now 19. It’s been a living nightmare. I’m here if you want to compare notes or discuss anything specific to boys. I find it’s so similar to the girls stories, but It becomes a b T more complicated for a boy to wear feminine clothes, makeup etc than it is for a girl to wear no makeup, boys clothes etc.

And I don’t mean to reinforce stereotypes by those clothing  labels - just trying to be concise. Of course, kids should be able to wear what they like. My son seems to think the clothes will solve his problems, however. And to do that, they’d have to be magic! His problems run way deeper than those that can be solved by changes in appearance.

Mom, S19

Ironically it is the crowd pushing the transgender ideology that is reinforcing sex stereotypes.   My son owns more nail polish than I have ever owned in my 58 years!  Everything is so extreme in the opposite direction.  Just look at how Bruce Jenner has gone super feminine and trying to be so sexy. We all know men or women who are more masculine or feminine than others.  I  believe there is a continuum within the biological gender you  were born.   That used to be called personality.   Mutilating your body, changing your name, and going full force into the opposite sex does not change who you are inside.  It is wrong to mutilate and permanently change a healthy body.  This to me is the sin of this Transgender ideology being pushed.  The emphasis should be to help these kids learn to love themselves as they were born.  This is a living nightmare,  saddest thing that ever happened to me.  It has been really tough on our marriage as well.  Just really sad..and not necessary.

[Libby]

Hi seeker

Thank you so much for your welcome - it is much appreciated.  So good to know I'm not alone with this!

[EverHopeful]

Boggles the mind, doesn’t it? These boys say they are just trying to be their true selves, and then they gather all the costumes and props and act in ways they’ve never acted for five minutes in their entire lives. (I’m speaking of the rapid onset version of events that my son is living) It’s like a role play, and a badly acted one at that.

Mom S19

[Missingmyson]

Boggles the mind, doesn’t it? These boys say they are just trying to be their true selves, and then they gather all the costumes and props and act in ways they’ve never acted for five minutes in their entire lives. (I’m speaking of the rapid onset version of events that my son is living) It’s like a role play, and a badly acted one at that.

Mom S19

Very well stated.

[Marge Bouvier Simpson]

Hi seeker

Thank you so much for your welcome - it is much appreciated.  So good to know I'm not alone with this!

Hi Libby, I just want to reiterate what seeker already said. There definitely are parents here with kids of all ages, though mostly teens, but there are plenty of parents of young adults. We are all joined by a common, troubling problem whether we have girls, boys, adults or minors. There are even a couple of wives whose husbands have announced they are trans.

I see that you have not yet registered to become a member. If you would like to have access to the complete forum with many additional threads discussing the trans topic from all angles, please register your account so that you may be approved for the members-only forum. Of course this is optional, but just thought I'd let you know there is more to the forum than this very small section which is viewable by the public.

Welcome, and hang in there. You are not alone.

[Babs]

My 11 year old daughter was never a girly girl but she never complained about wearing girls clothes, we went dress shopping for bridesmaid dresses and she wanted little heels only a18 months ago. Since then she has started her periods and now says she is pansexual and trans ftm. She is constantly on lgbtq social media sites. I don’t want to take that away from her if she really is trans but I just don’t know if she’s is or it’s being submerged in lgbtq constantly that has ignited these feelings. I just really don’t know know what to do for the best. She says she doesn’t want to talk to i any professionals about  it.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have burned her phone (and my guess is that most of the parents on this forum would say the same thing)! My daughter began her interest the same way your did, at age 12, shortly after we got her a phone, and I felt exactly as you do now. I wanted her to be able to draw her own conclusions about herself and her sexuality, and respect other people for theirs. I had always believed the "born this way" idea and that outside influences had no impact.  I figured that her curiosity was healthy. Now, I kick myself EVERY second of every day that I didnt nip it in the bud while I had the chance. Reading the experiences of the parents on this forum and other websites devoted to this issue, whos experiences are virtually identical, I am completely convinced that our daughters are NOT coming to conclusions about themselves and their sexuality or gender identification on their own. They are being persuaded, both passively and overtly, that any ambiguity about their sexuality (which at their age, should be ambiguous), and feelings of "not fitting in" (what adolescent doesnt feel that way?), means they are transgender, and that transitioning will solve all of those problems.  They make it seem glamorous and edgy, and that these kids are a special part of something wonderful. What kids doesnt want that? What happens time and time again is that these kids end up feeling anxious, withdrawn, confused, and insecure and retreat to their online world which tells them that those feelings are only further proof that they are transgender.

They become persuaded that "cis" people are the enemy, and that its ok to turn against their parents because they are bigoted and transphobic. They become downright militant about their views. The only word that I can use to describe it is Indoctrination. My daughter is 14 now, says she is a boy and is attempting to socially transition. Getting them away from this influence becomes increasingly difficult as they get older, especially if they have spent a couple of years immersed in it as mine has. She now considers her online friends her only friends. We are attempting to remove access to this stuff slowly so that we dont alienate her. Her ipad "broke" one day. My phone (which she borrowed all the time)  is "lost" and I got a flip phone...etc.soon, something is going to "mysteriously happen" to our internet so that no longer works in her room. Passive aggressive parently at its finest.

If  getting rid of the phone isnt an option for you, I would make sure she doesnt have access to certain sites (there is a thread on here with tips for that),  learn everything you can  about this social contagion through this forum, 4th wave now, and other sites dedicated to this issue. Its overwhelming at first, so you might start by looking at The Jung Soul. She does an excellent job of summing up what is going on. Watch the videos your daughter is watching..spend a night (without her) binging on trans-related youtubers (also listed in a  thread on this forum), and try and put yourself into an 11 year old girls mindset when you do. Then have  conversations with her about what she has been learning about, and how she feels about it, and tell her what you have learned and how you feel about it. Let he know you are fine with her exploring her sexuality and identity, but that those feelings should come from within, not from outside sources, and that it is really hard for a person to know for sure until their hormones have settled down. Reserve the right to monitor and limit her usage and then do it. Even with restrictions, they find a way to access this stuff. Keep it out of her room at night. They get sucked into binges on this stuff when no one is paying attention.

I know this email sounds alarmist, at least I would have thought so 2 years ago, but I promise you, its not.

Same senerio her candy cigs. If I would of only.....

[Heroshero]

So glad that I am not alone in this and yet so sad that I even have to be here. My head is spinning with thoughts as I can identify with so many on here! I don’t know where to start. My 13 yo daughter told us about a year ago that the wanted to be a boy. Out of NOWHERE! So many things don’t add up when you read/hear about those that are truly trans, i.e. they have felt and acted that way from early on.
When she was younger she WAS a girly-girl, enjoyed shopping, make-up, nails, baby-dolls...the whole thing...none of that was ever pushed on her. She has an older brother so my take is that if she truly was/is she would have been more interested in his stuff then.
Coincidentally this all came about halfway through 6th grade. Our school boundaries are a little bit whacky, so most of her female friends all went to a different middle school than her. (However, they will all end up at the same high school.) I was not too concerned for her as she is/was very outgoing and never had trouble making friends. She would still see these girls on the soccer team and through other social actitivties. She also got her period in 5th grade and really started blooming shortly after. We all know this is a difficult time for kids at this age. I am wondering if her lack of female friends, on a regular basis, pushed her to wanting to be a boy so she could fit in with her male friends ?? I also went from a mostly part time, low demand job to a very full time, high demand job around this time. Again, she had always been so resilient. Looking back, did my “lack of time” for her present as uncaring and disinterested?

Other similarities to all these stories cell phone and internet influence. (I will have to go read the articles on how to block certain sites.) Just like others she is in the gifted program, but she has not been diagnosed with any mental issues (depression, adhd, etc), though her brother, also gifted, has. She is extremely creative and is a talented writer and artist. She used to write A LOT and kept her friends entertained with her stories. They would be on pins and needles waiting for her to finish the next chapter. Her art is impressive and she has taken to anime. THIS is where the similarities end... I haven’t seen anyone else mention their child being into anime. However, in other research I have seen a correlation to anime and the whole trans thing. I don’t know much about anime, but I do know that there are a lot of gender-neutral characters. She became friends with a boy at school through anime. This boy claims he is bi-sexual (according to her), I have met him. He is very nice and quite shy. I have also met his father, who is also very nice, but not shy, lol... I am thinking that she and this boy have clicked because neither of them feel/felt like they fit in at their school. This boy went to a different elem school and will go to a different hs, within our district. She told her counselor that she go the idea from an anime video!

She told me in a text message while i was at work! I was stunned and couldn’t react immediately. She eventually told my husband in a letter. We decided not to handle this lightly and sought counseling for her. Which i now feel was a BIG mistake. This counselor has made things worse. I think she meant well, but it just worsened the whole thing. Initially she asked my daughter to research it more, I guess thinking that she would say “oh, yeah, that’s not really me.” After a lot of money and many sessions, it came to my daughter wants her breasts removed, wants to keep her female reproductive system, wants to present as a boy, is attracted to boys, but is not gay, has a name “Leo” which i find laughable as it is her astrological sign....TALK ABOUT CONFUSED!! She is quite stubborn and our concern now is that she has rung this bell and doesn’t know how to un-ring it. Her periods were bad for a while. The girl who rarely cries would be balled up on the floor bawling in pain. I agreed to take her to a pediatric GYN (yes, there is such a thing.) and she was put on a very low dose pill. It has greatly eased her periods to being almost nothing. She has not seen the counselor since being on the pill. I am strongly considering not sending her back and letting this play out on it’s own.

I will be setting stricter rules regarding devices. They are not allowed to have their phones in their rooms at night, but currently I don’t restrict their daytime use. Additionally, both kids are home unsupervised 2-3 hours/day on school days. We dont have a landline, so I cannot take her phone away.

I am really hoping to find encouragement, support, and ideas on how to handle this.

Hi Lizzie,
Welcome, and so sorry you’re going through this pain. You sound like a very attentive and loving mother.
Interesting to note that I was at the peak of success in my career when my daughter came out at age 12. She was having considerable problems fitting in at school. I remember the arguments we’d have, where I would say “why do you need to be male, when you can see that I’m a successful businesswoman, built my own company from the ground up, and I can do anything I want with it?”
I felt, and still feel, that I was showing my daughters a positive female role model.
I told her she has no idea how many women around the world get a fraction of our freedom, and that she was spitting in the eyes of all the women who fought for us to have the privileges we have in the USA.
She rolled her eyes and said “ I don’t care about feminism. It makes no sense to me.”.

[Guest]

Hi Marge Bouvier Simpson
Thank you so much for your response. Also apologies as I am still getting the hang of posting and appear to have thanked seeker about three times! I will definitely sign up to become a member. I can already tell that this forum is incredibly valuable. I feel better just knowing that I am not alone - not that I want anyone else to be going through this of course. However, a big thank you to everyone. I'd begun to think that there was something wrong with me for feeling what I can only describe as grief-stricken.